"Ladies and Gentlemen, due to illness, tonight the part of Denis Leary, will be played by Denis Leary. And now welcome Denis Leary."

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And fuck you.

There's a guy- I don't know if you've heard about this guy, he's been on the news a lot lately. There's a guy- he's English, I don't think we should hold that against him, but apparently this is just his life's dream because he is going from country to country. He has a senate hearing in this country coming up in a couple of weeks. And this is what he wants to do. He wants to make the warnings on the packs bigger. Yeah! He wants the whole front of the pack to be the warning. Like the problem is we just haven't noticed yet. Right? Like he's going to get his way and all of the sudden smokers around the world are going to be going, "Yeah, Bill, I've got some cigarettes.. HOLY SHIT! These things are bad for you! Shit, I thought they were good for you! I thought they had Vitamin C in them and stuff!" You fucking dolt! Doesn't matter how big the warnings are. You could have cigarettes that were called the warnings. You could have cigarrets that come in a black pack, with a skull and a cross bone on the front, called tumors and smokers would be lined up around the block going, "I can't wait to get my hands on these fucking things! I bet you get a tumor as soon as you light up! Numm Numm Numm Numm Numm" Doesn't matter how big the warnings are or how much they cost. Keep raising the prices, we'll break into your houses to get the fucking cigarettes, ok!? There a drug, we're addicted, ok!? Numm Numm Numm Numm Numm *wheeze*

I'm a little hyped up tonight. Little hyped up. Smoked a nice big fat bag of crack right before the show. "Agghhhh!!" I'm only kidding folks. I would never do crack. I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass. Ok fol